Surgery tomorrow!

Sooo...the first step in this whole surgery thing is finally done with.
A couple weeks ago, at the pre-op, they gave me the whole, you know,
lists and lists of things, what to bring, where to go, who to bring,
what to do before surgery, when to stop eating, etc. The night before
surgery, I was supposed to take a shower and wash with this nasty nasty
stuff called "Hibiclens". And, if you know me, you will know that I have
a violent gag reflex that is generally only triggered by poop and
rubbing alcohol. So, of course, this stuff was bright pink and smelled
like rubbing alcohol. Luckily, I managed to not puke. Somehow. It was
like rubbing alcohol scented cough syrup. EW. EEEEEWWW.

Don't ever get surgery.

--mk

Memo

Dear Flickr:
Before I begin, I want you to know that I delight in you and will most
like pay the exhorbitant fee of $25 just so that I can use you to store
as many photos of random objects as my heart desires.

However.

When I use your delightful search function to look for pictures of soap
bubbles to fight off insomnia induced boredom, I am displeased to find
that most of what you are finding for me...SUCKS. I do not want photos
of children taking bubble baths. I do not find joy in seeing old people
blowing bubbles in a field and laughing, because "OMG I am, like, 40
years old, isn't it hilarious and ironic that I am standing in a field
blowing bubbles with nary a child in sight?!" I am irritated that I am
finding entirely too many pictures of people blowing bubbles with their
gum.

So, Flickr, please step it up. I know there are lots and lots of
pictures of the type I am looking for, so where are they?? The only
reason I have not taken any myself is because by the time I've gotten
bubble soap off my hands to grab my camera, the bubbles have popped. But
if you are well behaved perhaps I will try to take a picture of one of
my glorious steam-filled bubbles so that you can be witness to what a
fabulous and accomplished bubble-blower I am.

--mk

I Hate Kids Movies.

What the heck kinds of names are Pongo and Perdita?? I have never heard
those names before in my life...how ridiculous.

--mk

I went to Pike Place Market today.

Hobo 1: I appreciate it, man.
Hobo 2: No, I appreciate it.
Hobo 1: No! I appreciate it!
Hobo 2: Well, somebody's gotta appreciate it.

I am not sure. One of them was holding a guitar.

--mk

What kind of tip is that?!

When you search for something on Google, a little tip comes up at the
top of your search results. This evening, the tip wassomething like,
"Save time by hitting 'return' instead of 'Search'." I am confused as to
who this tip is supposed to help save time. Like, ancient mummies who
really cannot move their arm from the keyboard to the mouse in under
three minutes? People who manage to misplace their mouse in between
navigating to Google and typing into the search box?

And also, I am curious as to what kinds of things these people are
searching for. I imagine things like "how many breaths can I cut out of
my day to save time" and "how much time does the average person spend
pooping in a day". Possibly even, "what can I do with the extra 2.3
seconds I am about to save by hitting 'return' instead of 'Search'.

Probably the only hit it would turn up is this blog. And, I just spent
a whole, like, ten minutes thumb-typing this, so I am probably not going
to be able to tell you what to do with that WHOLE EXTRA 2 seconds. I am
so sorry.

--mk

Can You Hire Paparazzi?

I think my favorite part of being a celebrity would be all the pictures
on the internet of me staring blankly at the display of packaged salads
and dressings at the grocery store. And, pictures of me spending like 12
minutes digging through my seemingly empty oversized bags trying to find
a set of keys, and when I pull them out and stick them in the lock they
aren't my car keys and they get stuck and I spend another half hour
using every muscle I possess to wrench them out of the lock.
Now do you understand why I might need a bodyguard??

--mk

How...

...did Justin Timberlake make it onto my "gangster" playlist?!

--mk

Why...

...is there confetti in the bread maker?

--mk

Pet Peeve 375820184565647281

Strangers Manhandling the Sidekick

...and then proceeding to tell me they hate SKs, simply because of its
sheer, glorious, easily-handled size, and its lack of features (WHAT??!!
This thing does everything but serve me sustenance when desired!!), and
the fact that..I can't remember, I stopped listening out of sheer
boredom and irritation. Also, there was a highky entertaining Monopoly
game taking place on my computer moniter. At work.

--mk

I really should remember to eat next time

Dear self:

Next time you end up babysitting, perhaps it would be a good idea to
eat some dinner beforehand, or maybe stop and grab and sandwich or
something which you can eat after the children are in bed (because you
are not hungry before then anyway). If you were to remember to do that,
perhaps you would not be standing at their open cupboards/fridge
wondering:

A) Why there is a bag of boiled potatoes on the top shelf and
B) Why does that suddenly sound really, really appetizing? (It
shouldn't, that is a bad sign.)

Also, perhaps then you would be less likely to find yourself eating
Breton crackers dipped in delicious four-cheese alfredo sauce from a jar
you remember eating from four or five weeks ago. And feeling sort of
guilty about it as you ran through worst case scenarios in your head,
such as: what if the house caves in tomorrow and this is all they have
to survive FOR A MONTH?????

--mk

The Best Part of Having Family Around During the Holidays

It provides all sorts of situations where one is hopping around on their
one damaged foot on the soaking wet patio, not wanting to come inside
for fear of tracking mayonnaise on the just-cleaned carpet, all the
while talking on the phone to someone who has no clue why you are
screaming, "I CANNOT COME INSIIIIIIDE I HAVE MAYONNAISE SMEARED ALL OVER
MY FOOT OUCH OUCH MY FOOT IS NUUUUUMB!!!!!"

--mk

Blueteeth

I am sitting in the food court at the mall, and I just happened to
observe a particularily scruffy young man in baggy clothes and scruffy
long hair with a little blinking blue light at his...ear region. At
first glance it appeared to be some sort of blinking crazy earring, as
is the style of such persons. Upon closer inspection, however, I
discovered that it was in fact a bluetooth thingy. (Not that I was
within touching distance of his ear, that would be creepy, which I am so
not.) Anyway, I did not realize that blueteeth had spread so far into
society, I figured they were more or less restricted to really busy
businessmen (or those that wanted to be) and people who drove lots and
lots. Apparently I was wrong, and now that I realize this I am feeling
the need for one. Right now! Immediately! There is no possible way I
could possible conduct my personal affairs without one! Lifting the
phone to my ear is just so droll.

--mk

--

I find it depressing that whenever I see a picture of streets in NYC or
the subway I feel a strange sort of homesickness.

--mk

I wish to see this

I received a spam that had only the words "magnet riding" in the body. I
am confused and mildly concerned for the magnets....what or who is doing
the riding? Are the magnets being mistreated in any way? Perhaps I
should start a coalition. Coalition for the Protection of Mistreated
Magnets, or CPMM. Now acepting donations!

--mk