I Am The Queen Of Pckrats

It's like 3 am and I am boxing up some old journals to be stored in my parents basement until I can find some efficient way to destroy them. I stumbled across a certifcate I received in the 5th Grade for being a, um, "Star Student." I have no idea what this entailed, but I sure didn't get one in high school. You know, when it actually might have, I don't know, MATTERED.

Anyway, I'm thinking that after I have my corner power-office at the top of some New York office building I should have it professionally framed and I should hang it next to my various degrees from assorted ivy-league universities.

It would be charming. There is a dog in a drum major's outfit marching behind a police dog in apolice car in the border. Also some dogs on a tandem bike. It's pretty classy. Also, I have apparently held onto it since June of 1999. Somehow it escaped the all-encompassing Mom Box of Grade School Treasures.

Speaking of these, I found boxes in our basement from kindergarten through like the third grade. Apparently whenever I finished a year she would tape them shut with packing tape. None of them have ever been opened. I like to imagine the poster-painted pictures of Mommy and Daddy and the clay "dinosaurs' have all melted into some kind of noxious gas and it's just waiting to kill us all.

Image Captions When Doing A Google Images Search for "Koalas" And How I Imagine Them to be Finished

Koalas aren't bears but very realistic and cuddly robots.
Baby koalas produced by artificial flavoring.
Koalas To Gaze Upon and possibly ponder.
Beware of koalas as they are fanged and dangerous.
Koalas live in social groups determined by their salaries, who they know, and where they vacation.
Shy baby koalas live in trees, not basements.
Even Koalas enjoy the beach. Especially shy baby koalas.
A truly wonderful holiday experience at the beach with koalas.
Koalas can't bear being sent to bed with no dessert.
Sleepy Koalas probably shouldn't drive.
Koalas have sharp claws for defense and would probably make terrible pets, especially if you have small children or other pets in your home.
Did you know that koalas live in my dresser?
Three of the eight koalas went on to ivy-league universities to pursue degrees in Law, English, and European Literature.
If it seems I use koalas very much it is probably because they are kind of adorable and furry.
Gum Trees n' Koalas: A Seminar on Tax Laws
Koalas are solitary animals so don't plan on inviting them to your New Year's Eve party unless awkward silence is your type of thing.
Koalas Are Clinically Depressed and should be treated for this crippling disease at once before it becomes something much worse.

Things College Has Already Taught Me

1. From now on, silverware is on your school supply list.
2. PB Teen is not an acceptable website to use when making your shopping lists because that little table? THAT IS FOOD FOR LIKE TEN YEARS. Also: whose dorm has large leaded glass windows that look like something out of a castle?
3. No matter how much you whine, extra-long twin silk sheets are not a necessity.
4. The phrase "But it will remind me of you!" wears out right around the time you use it to try to convince them that you will need a $41 set of silverware.*
5. Googling the phrase "dorm room" at 3 am will only make you more nervous because it will convince you 100% that it will be like living in a closet with a stranger.
6. Your room will looking NOTHING like the dorm room in that one Ikea ad.
7. Probably you do not need to drag along your 6' CD tower. Probably. Since as it is, at home, you are using a total of 6" of it.
8. Also you do not need 8 separate lists with a stunning variety of things on them. Condense!!!

I have exactly 5 days to pack. I have not started yet. Instead, I make lists on the Internet because clearly, it is productive.

*This excuse actually ran out a long time before then, but like that has ever stopped me before.